


The Elephant

by bigcatsandkatanas



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2017-12-29 06:51:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1002278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigcatsandkatanas/pseuds/bigcatsandkatanas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A striking bright blue tore into his very soul.  It was difficult to look back because they were full of the honest to god truth and Walt was never man enough to face it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Asking for the World

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place around the time Walt takes Jesse in after finishing up rehab. Nothing too original, it just started off with me trying to write about these two and then I just went on and on with it. There might be some inconsistencies in it, I dunno. Excuse any typos and tell me what you guys think.

Chapter 1 

**_Asking For the World_ **

* * *

 

At night Jesse always left the tv on, whether it was blaring white noise or loudly playing some stupid nature program on pbs.  The room was dimly lit as he sat in the dark on the floor pawing at the carpet, the textures keeping him grounded in this world.  It couldn’t be a dream; dreams never felt this real but he felt so far from reality, so far from anyone.  Most nights he couldn’t sleep so the line was beginning to feel blurred, he’d see things in the corner of his eyes and half wondered if the place was haunted or he was the one being haunted. Passively he had asked Walt during dinner about it and he flashed him a small smile before talking about the place being new and that he didn’t believe in ridiculous stuff like that and neither should he.

Sometimes Jesse would get lost in thought, he’d blank out on the most random things, mostly inanimate objects. Walt should have had a cat or a dog or something but he didn’t, there was no warmth in the house. It felt every bit like a prison, no matter the worried looks Walt would flash him or the insanely out of character kind gestures he’d do for him.  In the darkness Walt’s bedroom door would be closed, the light underneath on, beckoning Jesse almost. There was his shadow pacing side to side, he must have been getting ready for bed but Jesse knew better than anyone that Walt wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. Walt was dealing with some loss too. Maybe Jesse was a good actor or maybe he wasn’t but he’d catch Walt eyeing the phone too long and pretend it wasn't noticable. He’d ask in passing if anyone called and almost always Jesse would breathe out a soft _no_.

Not that day but the next Jesse made his proposal

…a simple enough agreement was reached.

It wasn’t surprising that Walt preferred having a firm bed. It may have relieved what any ailments he had but it hurt the younger man’s back as he tossed and turned on it anxiously. When he had thrown himself on it while Walt lingered in the bathroom with the door a crack open, he had expected to sink into something plush and soft but was let down. There was no real odor in the sheets, they just smelled…clean. They must have not been that lived in. No warmth anywhere, just grey and different shades of it all around him and even if there was color, it was faded out. No doubt this was the hell Walt willingly put himself in. It was in stark comparison to the yellow blankets Jesse once slept in back when he was in bliss with Jane.

At the foot of the bed he saw the bald man, his shoulders downcast, his back arched, his neck hung low.  He ran his hand over his head repeatedly just watching the wall, trying to shake the troubling thoughts away.  Jesse wondered what was wrong but he knew he wouldn’t bother asking, neither of them were fond of heavy-handed conversation.

With a heavy breath Walt finally turned, rubbing his sweaty palms together before pulling his sweater over his head.  Jesse’s eyes grew bright and then dim again. 

Anything to forget…he was satisfied with anything. 

But was Walt really the one thing he could fall back on? Jesse wasn’t sure if he was fooling himself or half assing this. He had a cellphone full of numbers, full of names, full of familiar faces, full of people that he knew but none of them seemed to have the time. They didn’t seem to make the effort. Was it always his fault or was it just the crowd he got lost in? He overlooked his partner who was carefully undoing his shoes.  This, this _thing_ he suggested just didn’t click.  Walt was an old man insanely out of touch with Jesse’s generation but why did he look at him like this? He felt the warmth the room was lacking.  For a brief second he realized how familiar he was, almost like some strangely comfortable force. Walt’s back facing him as they basked in silence was the way Jesse preferred things. There was a part of him eating away at him, at this situation, It was probably the rational side of him, the part that told him this wasn’t ok, this was never going to be ok.

Never in a billion years…not even when he was sitting in the back row of his class laughing his ass off at dirty little doodles he’d pass around to his classmates, had he thought he’d end up in this very place.  In nervous anticipation he sat up and drew his knees closer to his torso as Walter got within clearer view. The wrinkles around his lips and eyes made it even more apparent how old he was, and suddenly Jesse felt like a frightened kid all over again. This was alien territory he was treading down and it was in his nature to jump in head first but this was somehow different. It was terrifying the lack of control he felt over the situation.

His body betrayed him and he withdrew.

"What’s wrong," Walt spoke, his voice shaken.  "This was what you wanted," he raised his hands up in anguish, looking hurt although initially not wanting to come across that way.  

"Look look just give me some time."

"I don’t understand what you want to come of this…I’m not even sure why I agreed.  This can only end badly, it’s not even worth the effort."

"Shut up Mr. White."

"What?"

"I’m adult enough to know what I want."

"Oh is that right, you’re an adult now?"

Shutting his eyes and cringing Jesse knew exactly what road they were going down but was startled when Walt stopped himself from going any further. Instead they looked dead in each other’s eyes. Jesse realized that he never took the time to notice how worldly and tired Walt’s were.  A dim color of green or were they blue—well whatever color they were they drooped and looked as if the light of day had never been cast on them.  Hastily Jesse began to undress, the clothing just falling off of him with ease.  His shirts were always two or three sizes too big, and when he discarded of them he looked much smaller. Walt’s eyes traveled up his shoulders, almost bewildered at his elfin body frame, his pale torso covered by crossed arms. There was so much less of him than he had originally remembered.

They shared a look of understanding and with a nod, Walt overlooked Jesse’s skin this time less speculatively and instead with an eagerness.  Anxiously he licked his lips and shifted in position. Again he looked up at Jesse for approval and Jesse nodded trying to be as still as possible without letting the jitters give way.  Button by button, Walt carefully took off his shirt, when he placed it beside him Jesse could smell the distinct odor of starch.  He wrinkled his nose, still keeping his distance all the while his gaze rested on the frustratingly debilitating removal of Walt’s clothes. 

Finally it dawned on him that the man was every bit as nervous as he was, it was hard to watch so Jesse decided to look the other way.  Some time passed and he was unsure whether or not Walt was stalling on purpose. Unexpectedly an arm came within his eyesight and reached out to him. With great care Walt stroked Jesse’s shoulder reassuring him, Jesse apprehensively smiled his nerves subsiding somewhat when he realized they were both showing the same amount of skin.  There was one distinct difference though, he had his boxers meanwhile Walt wore the most unappealing underwear. No matter how many time he saw him in them, he could never get used to it.

Hands firmly grasped at his shoulders, Walt pushed him down and against the pillows. Was this his method of seduction because if anything— it was making Jesse even more alarmed.  Squirming underneath him he tried to touch him back just to make it somewhat enjoyable.  But whatever he was attempting wound up becoming an embrace, a stiff, awkward one. Laying still Jesse’s eyes were wide as Walt’s sturdier physique held him, his head buried in his shoulders.  

There was a heavy silence between the both of them as melted in one another. Jesse raised his arms slowly resting them on his shoulder blade, his fingertips lightly touching his flesh.  He was worried that Walt would break down right there and then, why else would he agree to doing something like this. Mrs. White was long gone and for whatever reason, the once stubborn Walt had somewhat accepted the divide. 

"Y-you’ve done this sort of thing before," asked Jesse.

"No," Walt answered calmly and truthfully.  It should have put Jesse at ease but it didn’t make him feel any better, he still felt like they were in the darkness trying to reach out at each other. "You?"

"Huh? Y-Yeah a couple of times," Jesse lied through his teeth and shook his head in disbelief at his own lie. It had been the first time that he had pretended to have had any gay experience, with anyone else he would have argued the very opposite. This wasn’t just a gay experience though, him and Mr. White.  Whatever he felt with Walt was different, if he ever gave himself enough time to think back on it, it just wasn’t easily definable.  

Warm breath brushed up against Jesse’s ear and caused him to let out an illicit sigh, arching up against Walt. Finding  that he didn’t exactly mind this reaction Walt dragged his short yet uneven nails down Jesse’s pale stomach ultimately stopping just above the elastic of his boxers.  Hands tightly held Walt’s arms then stroked them uneasily, fingers quivering nervously. Losing his composure Walt’s scruff rubbed against Jesse’s cheek and then his neck as he nuzzled him getting lost in his scent.  Lips that were held tightly now parted as Jesse eagerly awaited some sort of kiss but got nothing.  Walt cracked a couple knuckles, his hand lingering above the sweet spot, the spot Jesse felt needed to be attended to. 

"What are you waiting for," he cursed sounding more rude and childish than he ever would hope to.  

Hope was waning in Jesse’s shriveled up heart, he could only hold onto certain feelings if he ever felt anything at all. These weren’t the good ones, not the kind he was capable of having before Jane had been taken from him. There was a darkness he’d forever have to live in, a place he’d have to grow used to and Walt understood that, they’d seen a lot of the same things. –Hell he could even go as far as saying he owed him his life.

"You eager imbecile," Walt’s voice vibrated Jesse’s eardrums causing him to recline back into the pillow and shut his eyes in pleasure.  When he wasn’t constantly cursing at him Jesse loved the deepness in his voice…like coffee, it always reminded him of warm coffee in the morning.  But this time it was different, there was adoration somewhere in between the lines.  It was so twisted but Jesse loved it, he chuckled cheekily, his eyes narrowing then closing as his head fell onto the pillow. He wondered why he bothered lifting his head at all.

The positive feedback pushed Walt to go even further, he overheard a gasp and then a groan when he cupped Jesse’s crotch.  Then his hand quickly snaked underneath his boxers as he bit his lip in anticipation.  Jesse hissed when Walt had a firm hold of him.  One hand had already started to move up and down, meanwhile the other tugged his boxers lower.  Gradually Jesse began to move his hips against Walt’s hand movement, making agonizingly needy moans in between short breaths.  The noises Jesse made tickled his eardrums, only driving him madder with frustration; this soon became more apparent in his eyes.  Nothing was more attractive than Jesse’s stomach rising and falling with each gasp and wheeze that escaped his lips, his toes stretching out yearning for the strokes to quicken, but they didn't, he was taking his sweet time and Jesse wanted to shout at him for it.  This all should have gone by fast like some half sober rollercoaster ride, grasping at the details but not entirely remembering anything except the adrenaline.  There was a sick desperation in Jesse that this moment should have blown over this way but he was never the sort to be in driver’s seat although sometimes he wanted to at least have a choice. 

Walt wasn't about to let this moment go by quickly, he loved watching Jesse writhe around in clear anxiety, kicking off his boxers and strongly holding onto the back of his neck in attempt to pull him closer.  But something was still there, a brick wall that made him keep his distance.

"Yo, kiss me or something," cursed Jesse, his sweet face scrunched up in anger.  

There was a familiar desire in his eyes that he had seen before back when Jesse was in the deepest pits of hell.  Jesse _needed_ him. Rehab wasn't the end of the suffering, it was the acknowledgement that the suffering was very much real and that suffering was Walt's own doing. 

Leaning in and closing the distance they kissed, Walt resting on his elbow hovering over Jesse.  The younger man's grip on his neck grew tighter and his other hand stiffly held his chin before growing more comfortable with the contact.  Softly humming into the awkwardly chaste kiss, Jesse slowly opened his eyes surprising Walt with a vision he hadn't seen this up close before. A striking bright blue tore into his very soul.  

It was difficult to look back because they were full of the honest to god truth and Walt was never man enough to face it.  Jesse nodded, the corner of his lip turning upwards forming a smile.  

"Mr. White…so good," he murmured as his mouth stayed agape in sweet agony.  

Walt let out a sigh and lowered his bare shoulders. "Yeah well," he looked at his hand on Jesse's erect penis, "I can tell." 

Jesse grew flustered and coughed.

"And please just call me Walt," he continued, his eyes shifting about looking uneasy. 

"Why?"

"Cause it sounds like I'm still your teacher, which I'm  **not**. When I first saw you in class I never had any idea that... _this_  would happen."

"I think it's kind of sexy," if Walt hadn't been so involved in how things sounded in the first place he would have noticed that Jesse had a flirtatious tone in his voice instead of his usual dry, bitter contempt.  

"Well maybe to you, but certainly not to me." 

"Get those stupid things off," Jesse gestured to Walt's underwear, "You ever wear anything that doesn't look like diapers?" 

Walt shot him a glare as he got off the bed and removed his white briefs. It was then that Jesse made the assessment that Walt looked much better in the buff than in all those lame, old man clothes.  There was a bashful look in Walt's face as his eyes stayed downcast as he gestured at his pale body sarcastically.  _Tadaa,_  he mouthed as he rolled his eyes and rubbed his head, the familiar nervous tick he always fell back on.  It shouldn't have been so bad but it was one thing to be naked in front of his wife, and another to be the victim of scrutiny to a young man. A young man who had everything in its right place, his skin tight and young, Walt could barely remember being that way. He could never recall feeling very attractive, cocky yes, but not attractive.

Rubbing his scruff Jesse overlooked him intensely, "Not bad," he laughed. Walt groaned and began to pace side to side.  

"You gonna laugh harder, go ahead do it," spat out Walt. Jesse just shrugged, not entirely understanding the dark cloud above the old man’s head. 

"Come on," uttered Jesse underneath his breath, the underlying want was clear to Walt and it came from left field, startling him. The light that shone through the blinds hit Jesse's collarbone just right enough to deeply pronounce it.  The way he tilted his head to the side and leaned backwards was like some beacon for Walt to move himself closer.  He fell for the bait, hook line and sinker and brought himself to kiss his neck and then full on the lips, his mouth more open and less tense. Lulling his head back, Jesse observed the way Walt's face looked as he kissed him. He couldn't make sense why he was so pleasing for his eyes.  It all felt so great, somewhat calming and all the hesitation started to gradually fade away.  Walt's hand eventually found its path back downwards to its original place, it had been a long time coming. In fact it felt like it had been forever in those few moments.  

There was a hitch in his breath, and Walt pulled away just in time to take in his facial expressions.  His eyes glazed over meanwhile Walt's darker eyes grew softer, timing his strokes with his very own heartbeat.  Rubbing a leg against Walter's thigh, Jesse calculated the distance he'd have to move just to rub his flesh up against Walt's penis just to return the favor.  He got it just right and Walt eyes nearly rolled back, his mouth falling open.  

"Don't go too fast," Walt plead as he moved himself on top of Jesse.

"Why's that?"

"I haven't in a while and I'm an old man for god's sake. You keep saying it yourself."

"What," Jesse laughed, "You gonna die of a heart attack in the middle of this?" Suddenly the weight of the words hit him like a ton of bricks after the fact, he wanted to take them back but Walt nodded in silent understanding.  There was no laughing when it came to death, they faced it head on far too many times. "Oh-- s-sorry." Taking Walt's request to heart Jesse tried not to be so forceful, instead he rubbing his calf against his partner’s hoping it could be taken as positive feedback, that the feeling was mutual, very much so. “M-Mr. White,” he looked so vulnerable, in desperate need for that one final stroke, the one that’d count.

At any second he was ready to break and his thoughts grew more and more foggy, more animalistic and along the lines of _I want this. I need this_. But after a while he could hardly think at all, it was numbed and fuzzy, giving way to the peaking bliss that ultimately overcame his apprehension.  He could hear himself speak things he had no control over, a pressure was pushing at either side of his head as he let out each escalating moan, thrusting wildly at Walt's hand. Clinging to Walt's shoulders he reached his release, his eyes shutting closed, his pink lips forming an inviting o which upon given the opportunity Walt seized with his own.  Leaving red marks on Walt's flesh, Jesse fell back onto the bed, his head still somewhere in the stars.  Walt broke the kiss and watched him longingly, perhaps surprised at how eagerly he took him.  Shaking his head side to side, he sighed grabbing a tissue from the box at the side of his bed, using it to first clean his hand then Jesse's stomach.  

Once he tossed the tissue in the wastebasket nearby, he felt the soft graze of fingertips against his wrist.  The contact sent goosebumps down his spine given the fact that he was immensely aroused and everything felt ten times more sensitive. Desperately he wanted to break it off right there and then because of a fear that lingered deep within. Jesse held onto him, a soft smile on his lips.  He pushed himself up and wiped the sweat off his brow with his forearm, letting out a contented sigh.  Walt watched his hand with a puzzled look on his face that faded into an expression much more solemn.  He took careful notice of the texture of his cotton undershirt underneath his clammy palms.  Easily he could pull it on along with his other garments and go to kitchen, maybe make himself a sandwich and awkwardly offer one to Jesse.  Despite thinking up this escape route it still felt out of question.  The look offered by Jesse suggested that he stay and by all means he owed him that much.  

"You w-want me to..." Jesse stammered almost silently, treating their encounter like some sort of business transaction, "Slow. I can do slow."

"No. No. I'm okay. Are you hungry because I'm--," weakly Walt attempted to go with his earlier plan but it didn't have the effect on Jesse that it wish he had.  The kid needed to eat though, it was plain to see as Walt's eyes traveled up his rib cage when he much rather have been tracing the ridges with his fingertips.  Jesse held his lips together and nodded side to side like a calm child, further reminding Walt of their age gap.  Had he taken advantage of this situation or had he been taken advantage of? They were both adults here, but he was finding it hard to believe it. It appeared to have been a moment of weakness on both their sides, but he had felt all the  _no's_  he had in him had been exhausted.  

It almost angered Walt that Jesse had even offered to return the favor, he looked fine with all of this.  Jesse lay still, his eyes glazing over as the sadness steadily took a hold of him again.  

"Why did you take off your clothes then," Jesse unexpectedly snapped, attitude in his body movements as he pulled his hand away.  The breaking of contact hurt Walt deeply for some reason; his thinking process reached a halt when his mouth dropped open.  

"Want to go out," Walt tilted his head sideways, his eyes cold and distant. "It'll be on me."

"What does it matter, Mr White?"

"Now don't do that."

"Do what?"

The both of them sat across each other at a crowded Denny's, the aroma of food in the air filling their nostrils. Jesse looked out the window, leaning against his hand, his long sleeve covering his mouth. He was clearly upset at the situation.  At first it seemed so easy but now it had become so complicated that he felt suffocated by the very fact that Walt was now looking at him differently.  Meaningful fleeting glances ate away at him, his reserve gradually falling apart. His fingers began to shake again. 

"I'll have a water and he'll have an orange juice," 

Walt sounded a lot further than he really was. It was almost like Jesse was in a deep sleep with his eyes closed when in fact they were very much open. Maybe he was that one lost baby that fell down a well. His eyelids felt like weights were pulling them down, burdened by all the sad thoughts that filled his head.  The cars drove by, he mused that people must be in them having their own problems carrying their own burdens but they still went on.  Jesse was still going on too but nothing was holding him down.  Walt's affections were brief and he felt foolish for being caught off guard that he'd be so cold about it. They were back to pretending they were strangers, incredibly close strangers. Anger and helplessness coursed through his veins for some reason, he wanted to return all the affection he had received, he wanted to say thank you but Walt just wasn’t letting

The waiter returned and left the drinks with a smile in their tone of voice.  Walter thanked them then grew silent, the chatter of what seemed like millions of conversations didn't make it any less frustrating.  

Jesse looked down at his hands that rested on the clean table, it’s smooth surface still partially wet from the rag the busboy carelessly wiped in their presence.  In his line of vision he saw Walt pushing the orange juice in his direction as if it were some sort of half-assed olive branch.  

He brought his eyes up to Walt's concerned ones, he looked like he had heavy eyelids too, then he followed along his lips.  Thin and dry and quivering ever so slightly.  Was he capable of feeling remorse?  Jesse found himself questioning that day to day. Walt was often this impenetrable force in his life, there was no way he was removing himself from it. This consistency both frightened and comforted him.  What would it take for them to finally walk down different roads? 

"Why her and then you," Jesse thought out loud, his finger running circles around the top of the cold, damp glass.  

"What," the corner of Walt's eye twitched. Jesse looked in awe at this impenetrable force showing weakness, even if it was just for a second. Not for a moment would he take this for granted.  

"She's a hard act to follow." 

Lowering his shoulders, Walt got closer to the table and shifted about uneasily, trying to find some breathing space.  "It was just a lapse in judgement," he rubbed his head then pinched his brow as he frowned, the lines in his forehead more pronounced.  "I thought I was ah-- helping."

 _She_ , a simple pronoun. It usually didn't mean anything until now.  Her name was too heavy for either of them to think of uttering out loud.  

"Helping? Maybe just at first."

"What was I supposed to say," Walt suddenly growled under his breath, dangerously close to breaching the distance between them. "You asked me if I wanted to get _some_. Good job with the persuasion."

"So what? I'm fresh out of rehab and you feel you owe me a hand job because of it," hissed Jesse much louder, boldly more articulate than Walt's useless attempt at privacy in a restaurant full of people. "I don't think you get that many offers anyway."

"Calm down with the passive aggression."

"I want to close my eyes but every time I do I see you. In that stupid haze that I was in...going in and out, I'd see your old ass face right up in mine pushing me around. Smacking my face, shaking me, whatever."

Walter grew dead silent, his eyes wide, his hands forming into tense fists.  

"At first I thought --hey-- he's trying to help me, trying to save me but I couldn't even believe that. it's nowhere near as simple as that."

The waiter had returned, excusing himself for interrupting their conversation.  "Would you like to order?"

"Not right now," Walt weakly smiled, playing at something much more innocent that he really was.  "So many choices you know?"

"How about an appetizer?"

"Yo move your ass out of here," Jesse snapped, then buried his face in his hands.  Thinking back to when he was in rehab, he remembered munching on some cheese crackers with peanut butter in the middle as the counselor talked to his fellow patients around a campfire. Jesse had overcome the hard part but this man kept pressing on, asking for more shared experiences but when no one had anything to offer it just made it worse.  His searching eyes almost always rested on Jesse's.  He asked him how did he feel, it was a simple enough question but it brought up a plethora of unexplainable emotions, emotions he wasn't quite ready to define. Anger, was the only one he could pinpoint.  Angry at the situation he was in, angry at the hurt he had caused, angry that he felt so alone, and angry at the people who left him that way.  All the counselor had to offer him were two simple sentences. You can't change the world but you can change yourself for the better. Let it go. 

"I'm sorry," choked out Jesse realizing all of this wrath raging through his blood was being directed at the wrong person.  It was probably meant for the counselors, for the nurses, for all that bullshit at the rehab prison shithole he was sent to. Walt meant well, he had to have. At least all his scornful words meant something compared to the cold, scripted, manufactured concern he'd receive from the staff. By then the waiter had left, alarmed that he had intruded on something big which no doubt he had.  

"I-it's alright," Walt responded calmly looking around to see if anyone had caught notice of Jesse's tantrum.  "It's all rather understandable...g-given your state."

"I just went for weeks, months...--hell it felt like years, hearing people say no. They just kept on saying no. Then they started getting creative with all the different ways they'd say it. I've gotten no my whole life and they think hearing it again will help me?"

"It did to some extent..."

"Are you not hearing me Mr. White."

"I-It's Walt."

"I don't care," Jesse said pointedly, his pearly white snarl briefly showing. "I want it all. If it's drugs I can't have, I want something real."

"I'm not following, Jesse," Walt shut his eyes, disquieted by the possible meaning in his words, placing his hands on the table absentmindedly close to Jesse's jittery ones. 

"I want the whole package," Jesse's blue eyes went soft when the words finally escaped his lungs, they were unexpectedly laced with meaning which he hadn't entirely intended.  It was a weight off his shoulders. 

"The whole package," questioned Walt, pronouncing the words slowly.  

"Not just some stupid fucking handjob. I want the whole package," he repeated himself, looking on intensely at Walt's reaction.  Walt looked stunned, words finding refuge in his mouth because he just wasn't sure what order to put them in.

This whole experience had amounted to one thing. The fire in his blood, the tension swelling up in his belly, the quick rise and fall of his chest, he wanted just one thing.

He _wanted_ Walt.  

"T-The whole Walt package," continued Jesse, his sentence fading into a helpless whisper once he realized how silly he must have sounded. His mouth went dry. Admitting something to himself…admitting to it out loud was good, right? It was good. It was growth. Right?


	2. Control

Hiding in the bathroom was probably the best decision he could make given the situation. Walt had practically scoffed in his face and made Jesse question his own awkward wording. He was perfectly aware that he wasn't the smartest person in the world, he was constantly being reminded of that but it was the best he could do with the vocabulary he had.  Sitting on the toilet, he adjusted the loose cardigan he wore and held his lips tight, trying the find the strength to not regret this. This was good. This was growth. 

"Jesse you in here," Walt opened the door and saw two stalls, one door closed, the other opened and the urinal was left unoccupied.  There was a moment of silence before Jesse responded. 

"Yeah."

"You alright?"

"Yo. Let me take a shit in peace."

"I know you aren't taking a shit."

"Gross, man. Get out of here." 

Pushing the stall door open, Jesse contemplated whether he left the door unlocked for a reason.  It was almost embarrassing seeing Walt with that concerned look on his face, he frowned and his hands were woodenly at his sides like a toy soldier.  Holding his knees together Jesse watched as Walt carefully closed the door behind him.  "I had no idea you weren't joking."

"Well I wasn't," Jesse shakily stood his ground, his limbs tensing up when the thought passed through his head that they were now alone together.  Then again it wasn't so bad, he wickedly smiled in Walt's direction, not paying attention to all his jumbled mutterings and apologies.  

"I understand what you're saying but I'm still very much in love with my wife...with my...I shouldn't have crossed that line nonetheless. Shouldn't have let you persuade me."

"I thought I did a bad job of doing that," spoke Jesse with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.  The typical Pinkman confidence resurfaced again for a second once he made sense of what he had first figured were shortcomings.  Walt wanted him too. No specific order of words could change the fact that he had a hold of him.  Although the universe seemed to go out of its way to show how wrong their partnership was, it for the moment, had felt right. As right as right could be no matter the dysfunction. Jesse wasn't looking for love here, he was looking for any sort of comfort and the source of the very truthful nature of it was standing right in front of him. With each step he grew closer and Walt inched further back until the wall put an end to any hope of shrinking away.  Jesse's heart was shrouded in darkness and it only served to show Walt how he was changing into something much less bright, the jokes he made were half-hearted attempts at being person he once used to be. That kid didn't exist anymore. 

He was just a husk, a shadow.  Walt tilted his head sideways once their eyes met, a short distance between their faces.  Was he any different? It was like he was watching a mirror reflection of himself. 

"We're both on the same boat, you and me," Jesse dropped his head, his shoulders slouched from gloom. 

"You're wrong—“

"Yeah…you're right," there were tears forming at the corners of his eyes as he spoke with utmost certainty, it was almost painful to hear that he had accepted this as his truth.  "You haven't killed nearly as many people as I have with my shit decisions." 

Walt was left speechless.  As he stood there overcome with guilt, Jesse had begun to fumble with his belt, biting his lip trying to hold back the sorrow from resurfacing from any other outlet.  

Before Walt could mutter, what are you doing, Jesse had pulled down his pants just enough to satisfy and he dropped to his knees, holding onto the sides of Walt's thighs.  He mused at how stupid and boring his khakis were but despite harboring ill feelings towards the backwards fashion he found something bittersweet about them.  Rubbing his face against the fabric he knew it was something he missed, it felt like home right here with Walt, he stifled on his breath holding the welp in.  

"You don't h-have to," Walt felt his mouth go dry but he couldn't put this to a stop, his ego wouldn't let him.  Having Jesse in this position was the most exquisite thing he had ever seen, the look in his eyes as he meekly brought them up to his sent shivers down his body and made him go hard.   His hands hesitated to grab him by the hair and tell him just where he wanted him to go so instead he ground his teeth together expecting Jesse to make the next move.

Jesse sucked on his thumb for a moment and ran it across his lower lip, painting it a darker shade of pink with a now dark look in his eye.  He didn't break the eye contact just so he could see the once put together Mr. White gradually fall apart.  He could settle for anger or lust, he just wanted a reaction and he was getting it.  Walt's eyes grew glazed, his mouth hung open as he blinked slowly then nodded.  

"Woah woah easy," he stuttered attempting to sound soothing once the cold air hit his exposed penis.  Suddenly he was shocked by the sudden change in temperature as he felt a warm breath at the very tip.  Jesse held it in his hands, gently at first, watching it oddly like it were some sort of foreign object.  Licking his lips he moved his hand up and down.  When he grew dissatisfied with it not going as fast as he wished, he spit into his hand and tried again, this time going much faster.  "Slow...you had s-said slow." Walt had no problem with eventually getting fully erect, his back longing to be against a bed instead of against a tile wall.  He was old but obviously not that old.

"I-I know sorry.  It's really...really hot," the last words came out of his mouth slowly in utter disbelief.  "Just got carried away," his mouth began to salivate when he realized how inviting it really was.  

"Hot," Walt wasn't sure if he heard him correctly but he was lost in the moment of it already.  Firmly his hand squeezed Jesse’s much smaller shoulder in an attempt to tell himself that he was still there, this was really happening. His hand then slid up his long smooth neck, eventually his palm rested on his check bringing his chin up before deciding to hold him by his hair.  Soft to the touch, no styling product in it whatsoever, he might as well been holding onto a girl’s hair.

Jesse groaned when Walt pulled at it, Walt clearly enjoying just how tangible his partner was.  Shutting his eyes, Jesse rubbed his face against his shaft, his cheek running along the long side of it. Unbuttoning the lower part of Walt's shirt, he lifted his undershirt just enough to kiss his belly which sank in tensely upon contact.  Walt muffled his gasp, almost sounding like a hoarse hiccup. With an intake of breath he felt his legs begin to shake, his inner thighs especially as the blonde spikes at the top of his partner's head began to bob up and down.  He let out little noises, soft hums that sent vibrations only serving to make Walt's head get even dizzier.  At most times he was a man of thought and logic but now he was reduced to making almost caveman-like grunts and inarticulate stutters. 

Maybe they should stop.  The thought passed by fleetingly in Walt’s head.

But he felt so selfish, so needy, Jesse was so eager and warm and wet and a million other adjectives came to mind but he didn't have the energy to seek them out.  Plan A or Plan B, Walt couldn’t choose.  Holding him closer, he ran his hands through Jesse's hair, affectionately petting him, a gesture that was so intimate to Jesse that his heart began to thump and come back to life.  He felt warmth and the blood rushed to his cheeks. Suddenly he wondered how exactly he got on his knees offering to do this, but stopping now was unthinkable.  Like an unspoken agreement he felt the need to follow it through all of the way.  It was a little embarrassing but there was Walt, a far off look his face, it was almost other-worldly to see.  His eyebrows were raised and his mouth was slightly agape, a wide smile on his lips, his eyelashes fluttering. It was certainly an attractive look on the man, the state he was in, it was nice to see Mr. White being the vulnerable one for a change. 

"I-I-I ah....," Walt crouched and held Jesse by the chin guiding himself out of his mouth with a pop, shivering when the familiar cold air hit his flesh again.  "I was gonna," he chuckled, his voice like sandpaper.  

"Oh yeah," asked Jesse, his bright blues wide and warm with affection.  

"Mmhmm yeah," cocking an eyebrow, Walt pulled him up by the fabric of his shirt and proceeded to go along with plan B.  They stumbled across the small stall, mischievous looks on their faces both anticipating the others' next move.  It always sent a chill down Jesse's spine when Walt used his height to intimidate. He hovered over him with a certain hungry look in his eye for those few seconds while Jesse expected a kiss.  He felt so small but when he should of felt frightened, he didn't, in fact for once he found it satisfying not to be doing all the work or trying to play a part that he really just wasn't.  Walt pressed against him, his mouth firmly kissing him, his lips moving along slowly, not as rough as he would have expected.  After attempting to hold in any needy groan of affection Jesse mouthed the words Mr. White into their kiss, he felt the corner of Walt's lip crookedly turn upwards.  _What a bastard_ , Jesse thought. 

What would Skyler think, Walter mused as his hands worked up underneath Jesse's shirt feeling the soft white flesh he had just seen earlier.  She'd probably be shocked, maybe a little hurt, but mostly surprised.  It was all a little crazy the more he thought about it, no one knew him better than Jesse. He'd seen his true side, he was more than aware of what he was capable of, the good and the bad.  What made him stay? The manipulating had some part in it, but the rest was too easy, not even Walt could predict the outcome of that.  He lifted Jesse's chin and looked straight at him, he wrinkled his nose when the kissing and groping had stopped and opened his eyes looking sweetly confused.  

"You pussying out Mr. White," Jesse snapped defiantly but it all seemed to be a rouse since instead of breaking away, he pressed his crotch right up against Walt's as he held onto his wrist, his thumb rubbing up and down the older man's palm.  

"Let's go home," Walt smiled, "We can finish there."

"What? I don't have a home," responded Jesse sadly, his head somewhere between melancholy and the clouds.

"My home, I mean."

"You want me on my stomach?"

"I want pillows.  Lots and lots of pillows...but yes. That too."

The ride home was awkward, Walt had to use his jacket to hide his erection when they paid for their drinks, Jesse was relieved that he wore a pair of baggy pants that day. 

Jesse had bumped uglies with some…uglies in his lifespan but it didn’t seem to be the case with Mr. White. He was handsome in his own right, maybe not the conventional type of handsome, Jesse didn’t find himself giving it much thought he just knew he never really felt this way about any other man he had known.  In passing he may had made fun of that one kid in high school who had a questionable sexuality, or the football player who had an oddly close relationship with his verbally abusive coach but he never thought he’d be in this position or that it wouldn’t be half bad. 

“You still ok with that shower,” Walt reappeared into the bedroom toweling himself off, then cleared his throat. 

“Yeah it was a good shower, the shower head was nice…it was all…even…you know, the spray of the water and it didn’t take too long to get hot.”

“Hmm yeah it’s nice isn’t it,” smiled Walt, a forced dimple amongst the other lines on his tired face. 

Jesse rested on his stomach and turned around, leaning on his elbow, eyebrow cocked, “You know you should have taken that shower with me. You should have added _that_ to your list of things to do.”

Growing bashful Walt hid his face behind the towel attempting to make it look like he was just drying it off.

Jesse continued to talk, his voice jittery, a heart churning optimistic look on his face, “You look like you can take care of yourself. That’s a good thing. Maybe you’re not so bad off alone.”

The understatement of the century.

Walt’s shoulders fell but he didn’t say a thing. 

“You can have company, yo. This is a nice pad, you know… _ladies_ can come over. Lots of honeys.”

Walt let out a self-loathing laugh and sat on the bed, casting the towel aside.  “That isn’t going to happen.”

Sitting up against the pillows Jesse weakly shrugged, his mouth pursed, forming a small straight line, his eyes wide open.  He had nothing to say, and maybe it wasn’t his business to continue on with his half-assed optimism. 

“You want to,” Walt gestured to him and Jesse nodded, then tilted his head sideways messing with his spiky light brown hair, a smile wide enough to warm up the other man.  All thrill and spontaneity had been killed when Walt had suggested that they take separate showers, it gave the both of them a lot of time to think.  Walt just needed time to assess and reevaluate the situation he had gotten himself into and by the time he was done he had come to the conclusion that this was a bad idea, a very bad idea but there was something that was eating away at him.  Maybe he was just being delusional and grasping at straws, but he was a lonely man, it had been a long time since anyone had shown interest.  It just wasn’t a thing that happened. Up til then the thought had never hit him that he’d need anyone else except Skyler, he had fooled himself into the notion that the wedding band really had meant forever.  

Planting a soft kiss on Jesse’s neck when he had been expecting one on his lips, Jesse let out a giggle that seemed physically impossible to have come out of him.  Walt didn’t know this Jesse but he was beginning to like him even more.  Gruffly laughing into the same spot Walt decided it was where he’d like to stay as he pushed him down and turned him over so he lay on his stomach.  His hands held his small waist delicately, running them up and down his soft belly causing Jesse to gasp then smile mischievously.  Turning his head enough to still get a look at Walt they made eye contact again which urged Walt to go further.  Why on earth were Jesse’s boxers still on? His unclothed erection pressed against what should have been Jesse’s thigh but instead it rubbed against an annoying poly/cotton blend fabric.  Running his lips and beard along the back of his partner’s ear Jesse let out another unearthly noise, his mouth opened, his pink lips pressed against the white of the pillow.  Grasping at his protruding hipbones, Walt gave a stroke of his thumbs along the sharp curves before lifting him up just enough to pull down his boxers.  Finding it arousing to be manipulated, Jesse allowed him to do as he pleased.  He just beamed into Walt’s cheek, letting out a defiant sounding _ha-ha_ every now and again. 

By then Walt looked dead serious like this was some sort of life or death situation in stark contrast to Jesse’s cheeky little smile.  The smile just wasn’t going away especially when the boxers were off and Walt was excitably grasping and fondling his ass.  “Homosexuality…or more like homosexual acts aren’t limited to our species you know that huh? There are many animals that partake in this act and it’s a very normal thing despite what people say.  Penguins per say make for a good example some go as far as mate for life and even adopt orphaned penguins.”

“Woah,” Jesse grew stiff underneath Walt’s weigh, viciously being taken out of the moment by Walt’s sudden rants. He swallowed his spit, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down apprehensively.  “Yo, you saying we should run off with your family? Like run away or something?”

“N-no,” Walt’s mouth went dry as he scrambled for words to explain why he was even speaking in the first place. “I—ah went off on a tangent.”

“That’s one scary…uh tangent you went off on.”

“I’m not stupid,” Walt groaned, “My mind doesn’t work like yours and sometimes words just… _slip._ I get carried away with thoughts whether or not they’re relevant and this time they weren’t.” Relaxing a bit when hearing Walt’s familiar condescending tone of voice, Jesse rested his chin on a pillow looking straight at the headboard through a furrowed brow.  He could feel the warmth of Walt’s breath on the base of his neck, he felt his back grow tense again. Using his rough hands to part Jesse’s legs, Walt was shocked at how delicate the younger man was.  It didn’t take much to maneuver him as he willed but he was still pleasantly tangible and soft. 

“Is that how you want me,” asked Jesse feeling a little jump in his chest when he felt Walt nod against him and place a nice wet kiss on his ear.  Rubbing himself against his partner, Jesse felt Walt’s erection against him, his own getting painfully obvious as well. Looking down at himself, he grew flustered as Walt lifted his pelvis up off the bed with a possessive hold on him.  He shouldn’t have felt so embarrassed about it but there was no way he could back from here. There was no excuse for his erection, he couldn’t call it a fluke, he was liking this and he had no explanation why.  Either way it felt right but not, but despite this he knew he pushed forward because he wanted it, he’d prefer this than going back to his old habits…

Smoking meth…with Wendy…fucking then feeling hollow about it, then leaving a roll of fifties on the hotel nightstand without a shred of dignity. 

“Y-you don’t gotta be gentle or anything. Don’t fuck me like I’m your wife,” muttered Jesse as he moved along with the friction of the older man against his body.

“Huh what,” it appeared Jesse had snapped Walt back into reality.  “Oh,” he said when it clicked. “How about we don’t mention her?”

“Sorry I brought it up.”

“It’s…o-ok,” clearly Walt’s head was in the game now and Jesse gasped for air when he felt Walt’s fingers wrap around his penis giving him rhythmic gentle tugs. His knees struggled to stay up, so he opted for pushing his face against the pillow and letting Walt do the rest as he grasped at the sheets, his knuckles going white.  Walt was anything but soft, Jesse thought, bewildered by what was going on.  But he wasn’t exactly rough either, he just manipulated him like he was some mannequin, both worshipped and used.  It was too much to keep up with and his knees gave way, he fell flat against the bed glad he didn’t get hurt in the process. Walt had gone too far to even care, he adoringly planted kisses on his neck and back, roughly pulling him back up like he wished, then went back to jerking him off and grunting in his ear.  This was amazing, exactly what Jesse had wanted earlier; he wanted to be all encompassed in Walt. Shivering and sweating and smelling like someone else other than himself, he forgot about Jane for a second.  The way the light would sometimes hit her eyes, the way she’d put on lipstick using the mirror in his bathroom that he’d barely use to look at himself, the way she’d press her lips against the back of his ear.  He forgot it all, for that one moment. 

Walt was the exact opposite of her.  He wasn’t warm, he was cold and unkind, rough around the edges but every bit as passionate.  Suddenly he felt the cool air of the air conditioner hit him when Walt broke contact.  He heard him struggle with the wrapper for the condom, uttering some curse words before he ripped it open.  Jesse lay still, the weight of the world suddenly crushing on him again with unexpected force, his eyes shot open and darted about as he awaited the older man’s return to his original position. 

“Everything alright,” he spoke, his voice shaking, secretly hoping he wouldn’t get a no. 

“Yeah yeah just putting it on.”

Turning just enough to catch a glimpse of Walt, he saw him on his knees throwing the wrapper to the side of the bed.  He wiped the sweat off his brow and removed his foggy glasses, carefully placing them on the nightstand.  Jesse watching him worriedly, he looked sickly in the midst of it, his eyes hungry but with little drive, and for a second it appeared he was about to say something.  Instead he bit his lip and went on with the task at hand.  Placing his hand on his shoulder he guided Jesse back to being on the bed. Squeezing his bottom again Walt positioned himself and pushed in slowly.  He was realistic enough to know he should exhibit some self-control, he didn’t want to hurt Jesse, but he could still feel him squirm letting out noises that weren’t as pleasant as the ones from before.

“You alright Jesse,” he warmly asked.  Jesse nodded but held his lips tightly together.

“You can push further.”

“Just relax a little, it feels good though. So good,” gasped Walt, his hands stroking up and down Jesse’s wobbly thin pale thighs. 

“Mmm,” Jesse jutted his chin as sweat dripped down his temples.  This was none too pleasing; all the teasing leading up to this didn’t hint to the amount of pain and discomfort he was currently feeling. 

“L-look ah…we can try something else.”

“No…just jerk me off while you…”

Nodding Walt pushed deeper until he was all the way in, he looked at Jesse’s expression and his eyes were wide open as he let out a shrill noise.  Jesse spread himself further and started nodding some more, this time his eyes shut closed.  Walt took this as a signal to continue and timed his strokes with his thrusts meanwhile trying to achieve the same angle as before. This was the most difficult thing he could do, he was known for his steady hand but he could never multitask like the most accomplished musicians he and Gretchen saw in concert back in the day.  Again Jesse let out that noise, it was a good sound not like the last couple that sent Walt down a downwards path of anxiety. 

Jesse suddenly wanted nothing more than to kiss while he did it.  Twisting strangely Jesse wrapped his arm around Walt’s neck awkwardly they fell to their sides as they kissed their teeth awkwardly crushing against each other, tongues wildly seeking solace in the other’s contact.  In the midst of this Walt fell back and Jesse found himself on top.  He took the initiative and began to ride his partner, the older man watching in surprise as Jesse rose and fell on top of him, greedily trying to reach his orgasm. 

“Fuck,” cursed Jesse missing Walt’s hands on him. Instead they had fallen to his sides in defeat. 

“You’re so small,” Walt said deliriously.  Looking insulted Jesse glared at him, but not for a second halting his movements. “No no not that,” coughed Walt, a little relieved Jesse started to move a little slower.

“I know,” grunted Jesse, annoyed at the absurdity of Walt’s comment. 

“How is it feeling?”

“Weird…”

Not the words Walt was wanting to hear.

“Not weird-b-bad.  Weird good, it hurts but l-like you’re filling me up and it j-just, it rubs against something.”

“Something good?”

“Yeah. Fuck yeah.”

Walter chuckled, and threw his head back against the pillow admiring the curve of Jesse’s back and the strange tattoos he didn’t care to ask what they meant. They probably didn’t mean anything outside of them just looking cool to him.  Hearing him talk so candidly about how he was feeling nearly was pushing Walt over the edge, his eyes kept rolling back and his mouth just couldn’t seem to find the strength to stay closed.  Jesse was so tight and tense around him, he just didn’t have the reserve anymore to hold back.  With a few more thrusts Walt had decided he didn’t care whether Jesse came or not, he was ready and he rationalized that he’d just blow him later just to return the favor.  His hands frantically returned to Jesse’s body, Walt pulled out so that he could push him to rest on his back this time they could face one another. He held onto one leg and put it over his shoulder.  Jesse looked bewildered by what was going on but went along with it, just pleased with being able to fit in some more kisses.  He wrapped his arms around Walt’s shoulders and pulled him in as Walt found the perfect position to thrust hard and fast without any more hesitation.  Jesse wasn’t sure he was comfortable being this spread apart, Walt was really doing a number on him.  Finally he finished, giving a couple more half hearted thrusts before gasping into Jesse’s open mouth, his lips a dark pink from all the frantic kisses. 

For a few seconds the younger man looked confused and a little bit defeated. 

“I didn’t come,” he weakly said, “I didn’t do it right?”

Jesse didn’t exactly come across as someone with experience.  Licking his lips Walt pat his shoulder reassuringly.  “No..no..it’s ok.  Don’t’ say I didn’t warn you.”

“That it then,” Jesse was starting to sound a bit upset but Walt was certain he could right his wrong.  His selfishness was beginning to nip away at him as he watched Jesse drop his head and turn it away from him.  Carefully removing the condom Walt threw it to the side not even caring about it falling on the carpet instead of the waste basket.  His shoulders slumped giving him the illusion of being decades older than he really was.  Apologetically he hovered over Jesse as Jesse attempted to ignore him. 

“I can make it up,” Walt almost sang but Jesse had no interest in his apologies.  His eyes rested on the blank wall, not wavering when Walt tried to finish the job he had started.  Jesse waved him off.

“No. No I’m alright. Next time.”

“Next time,” Walt’s ears perked up. 

“I-I don’t know,” babbled Jesse.  He got up just as Walt rested next to him, then rummaged through his jacket to pull out his box of cigarettes.  “I know I shouldn’t but it isn’t so bad.”

“No it isn’t,” agreed Walt, his voice calm as he watched Jesse shrug, then light up the cigarette.  His chest expanded then fell with the deep breath he took, inhaling the smoke, then exhaling it out watching it disappear into the air with a childlike intensity.  Every little detail Walt absorbed, he knew this wasn’t about to last forever, nothing did.  It was a behavior of his that he didn’t indulge in before the cancer.  There was a clock ticking that no one else seemed to hear except him. 

“Shit,” Jesse panicked, trying to wipe the ash off the sheets.  “Sorry Mr. White. I got some of it off.”

“I don’t care.”

Jesse grew quiet and put out the cigarette when he was finished, dropping it in a glass of water he had once drank out of.  When he sank back into the bed he stayed looking forward, his eyes rarely straying, he still felt nothing.  Sleep didn’t come to him, his eyes didn’t feel the least bit heavy now.  As if Walt somehow sensed his wariness, his hand began to stroke up and down his forearm.  Grabbing the comforter he pulled it over the both of them.  “I should leave,” Jesse choked out. 

“And go where?”

He was right.  There was no foreseeable place he could see himself going, or at least not yet, not without falling apart.  He could return to the couch or just hide in any other room but he knew his demons would catch up. The tears would come to him and so would everything else.  Having neither the energy or the will to get some space, he urged that Walt get closer.  “Oh this is stupid,” gasped Jesse when Walt’s arms draped around his waist.  The older man just grunted into the back of his neck.  Like before he felt the blood flood his cheeks so he hesitantly shifted his position to face Walt just enough for them to kiss and they did softly, the urgency from before fading away. 

He says no, then he says yes, then he contemplates why he can never make up his mind. 

“This is so fucking stupid,” he brings his eyes up to Walt’s but there’s no look of surprise on his face. 

“It is very fucking stupid,” Walt raises his eyebrows, the wrinkles on his forehead growing deeper. “But what can we do?”

Returning to his earlier position he let Walt curl around him, pulling him closer.  It was surprising that Walt had obliged, he wasn’t exactly known for being very affectionate, especially to him of all people.

“Do you believe in hell?”

“I ah—“ Walt stammered, “Where did that come from?”

“You’re not answering the question,” cracked Jesse’s voice, pulling his knees closer to him.  Growing stiff, Walt’s hands rigidly held onto him. 

“No.”

“That shit’s bleak though. If this is all we’ve got…”

“Don’t concern yourself with that,” he pushed the hair off of Jesse’s forehead and pressed his palm flat against his brow.  “What you need is rest, Jesse.” His skin felt clammy and slick like he had just recovered from a fever. 

“You sound just like them.”

Walt’s hand fell before he could answer, his hoarse sighs rumbled through Jesse’s eardrums.  Artificial words, manufactured concern, Jesse didn’t feel any different now.  Figuring Walt must have drifted off; Jesse grabbed the hand that dropped and wrapped it around his neck, resting his lips against the inside of Walt’s elbow.  He shut his eyes, taking a deep breath just to keep his composure to remember he was living in the now.  The reflection of his red flip phone caught his attention; it was on the night stand begging him to reach out for it.  Attempting to get up and make a grab for it, he woke up Walt just enough to stir in his sleep, pulling him even closer. Jesse didn’t want to wake him so he stayed in once place, on the one hand feeling comfort in his presence meanwhile the other longed deeply to hear that voicemail again. Her voice sent him somewhere else, somewhere else other than there.

It must have been hope that he felt back then.  These days he was glad just to stay conscious. 


	3. All for the Taking

“We need more beers,” Jane tucked her jet black hair behind her ear, staring blankly into an empty refrigerator. 

“We finished up the six pack already?”

“Yeah. I guess last night.”

“What time is it now?”

“I don’t know,” she rubbed her puffy eyes and leaned against the counter watching Jesse who was splayed out on the chair in the living room.  “Could be morning, could be night, I don’t really care. I want a drink.”

“I like—I don’t think I have enough dough for anymore. We’ve been blowing through it, what I’ve got left…” He stared down at his track marks and pulled down his long sleeved sweater that smelled of musk, spilled alcohol, a little puke but mostly cigarettes. It was alright though, she smelled the same, looked the same.

 “You need to do it.”

“I can’t,” Jesse’s voice dragged.

“He’s fucking creepy that guy…your partner. What’s he got to say about the way you live?”

“He’s not creepy…he’s just…like…he’s crazy but he’s not creepy.”

She narrowed her eyes, firmly holding her lips together.  “Is he like your dad or something?”

“N-no what the hell? I’d never want him—to be my dad, that shit is wrong.”

“Why’s he so important? It looks like you care what he thinks.”

Jesse shrugged and buried his face in his sleeve, then lifted his head, a far off look in his eye.  “I don’t care. He does his thing and I do mine. He just likes controlling me I think. I’m just his pet monkey or something.”

“You’re right about one thing. You are his pet,” she had that look on her face, the one that made him feel instantly ashamed of himself, like she could take him apart and put the puzzle together piece by piece before he could even see the bigger picture.  She took a deep breath and traced circles on the counter, then spoke again innocently.  “You two fuck or something?”

“What! No. Jesus. That’s gross. He’s as old as my grandpa or whatever.”

“I wouldn’t judge you if you did.”

“No. Just no. I’ll talk to him alright? You think I can’t see the psycho-whatever warfare you’re pulling on me? I’ll do it.”

“I don’t know now,” she sighed, “It’s stupid though. It’s your money, you worked for it.” Slowly she sauntered towards him, Jesse’s eyes dreamily watching her every movement, his eyes practically begging for her to get closer. And she did, he was thankful for that, the little details jogging his memory of her inexplicable beauty.  What a hold on him she had, he could only see a bright future ahead of them.  Just yellow, all he could see was yellow even if all the blinds were closed, the two of them bunking up in all their filth.  “I’ll be the one to talk to grandpa,” her full lips curved upwards as she flashed him sultry eyes. 

“Hah grandpa,” Jesse mumbled to himself when he suddenly woke up, one eye slowly opening and then the other.  In his hands he held the cellphone, the distance he put between him and Walt was nonexistent again.  He could hardly breathe but that was the last thing on his mind when he heard Walt choking on his own tears, crying like a child holding onto its doll.  Everything felt so surreal, like he snapped from reality and back into a dream. 

Jane wasn’t gone was she?

He wasn’t in a bed with Walt, right?

It was still dark out, they must have gone to sleep early because Jesse felt wide awake.  The coughing echoed in his head bringing him back to that one moment, that moment reminding him that Jane was in fact gone but also that he still didn’t want to be alone.  Frantically he shook Walt, until he was suddenly shoved off startling him back into his side of the bed.  He was alright.  The older man groaned then wiped his mouth when he fell onto his back, his eyes staring straight into the ceiling.

“Did I scare you,” he muttered, half asleep. 

“No you stupid geezer,” the sound of Jesse’s lighter clicking startled Walt out of the sleep he was drifting back into.

“Must’ve swallowed on my saliva wrong or something—“

“No cancer then?”

“No Jesse,” Walt said softly. “W-want me to make you something? You hungry?”

“No not really.”

“We haven’t eaten at all, since we left the restaurant in a rush…and you need to eat.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” scoffed Jesse, blowing out smoke through a self-pitying smile.  “You sure as hell shouldn’t try to take care of me either.”

Walter remained silent for a moment, pulling at the blanket unsure whether he wanted it on or off.  It wasn’t hard to see a bit of himself in Jesse, he was probably the sort who wanted to suffer and repress and crawl underneath his house to die alone.  Swallowing his spit, Walt cringed at the roughness of his throat; he took it as a sign that no more words were necessary as he stared back into the ceiling, the smoke dissipating above him. 

“Do you mind the taste of cigarettes?”

Walt shrugged and turned, his back facing Jesse.

“This was a mistake wasn’t it,” continued the younger man bluntly. 

“Hmm. No.”

“It was just sex right? That’s not so bad. People pay for that sort of stuff…it’s like a business thing.”

“I suppose we should shake hands then,” groaned Walt sarcastically.  He didn’t care too much for being stuck on this subject.  Jesse let out a laugh causing Walt to sit up in slowly just to see it.  He hadn’t genuinely smiled for a long time.

Their eyes fell onto one another, Walt appreciating the curvature of his lips for a moment longer than normal. Suddenly Jesse grabbed him by the face and kissed him, Walt’s own lips were stiff before giving in.  Cigarette ash fell onto Walt’s blanket but he chose not to think about it.  Smoky nicotine lingered around his lips and in Jesse’s breath that flooded Walt’s nostrils when he’d breathe heavily into the embrace.  Why was Jesse so sweet on him? Coiling his fingers in dirty blonde locks he intensely stared into him when they broke the kiss but he quickly looked away just to ease the tension of those few moments, his heart thumping hard in his chest.  There was confusion in Jesse’s face, his mouth remained pink and agape as he wondered if Walt was looking into him or straight through. The gears were turning but he couldn’t reach a single conclusion, tilting his head sideways like a confused puppy.     

Walt brought himself to kiss the corner of Jesse’s lip forcing a surprised gasp out of him, Walt lived for every single one of those gasps.  He urged on, kissing along his jaw, his earlobe, going lower and lower until he threw the blanket off of the both of them. 

“Mr. White,” he beckoned him sounding sweetly bewildered.  Where was his attitude now?

Grasping at Jesse’s much smaller form, Walt’s hands rested at his ribs, his ribcage more pronounced now that his stomach was sucked in and tense, Walt spoke in an aroused daze.  “You called me Walt earlier, you remember?”

“N-no,” Jesse pressed his pelvis up against Walt’s torso and craned his neck to watch just where Walt was going. 

“You said you wanted the whole package? I’m just returning the favor,” the last few words dragged out slowly like honey to Jesse’s ears. 

 “But you already--”

“No not like this,” his voice vibrated through his stomach, just above the the patch of blonde hairs that gathered before his midriff continued.

“Mmm no you don’t have to,” Jesse whined feeling the older man’s warm breath hit parts of his flesh that he couldn’t think of him ever wanting to go. His legs shook when Walt took a firm hold of them, his beard rubbing against the inner side of his left thigh. His hands uneasily sought to find refuge on Walt’s flesh, stroking his bald head then resting it on his cheek as his head moved in such a way that Jesse’s mouth fell open, toes curling.  Voice shaking unsteadily, Jesse attempted to curl up enough to see what was going on, to see Walt enjoying this and he sure as hell looked like he was. This fact was so shocking to the younger man.  Walt’s movements grew faster and more calculated, ruthlessly so.  The older man groaned and grunted as the act escalated, sweat dripping down his temples, his eyes shut closed as he did it. Jesse’s stayed open the whole time soaking up the image, how bittersweet it was, so wrong but so remarkably enthralling to see Walt in between his legs, his mouth taking him whole, giving him a plethora of sensations.  Shaking and squirming, Jesse tried to compose himself, he felt so small, so helpless to be at the other end of his affections whether he wanted it or not. 

But he was so safe, so warm right here.

Suddenly it all came to a halt, Walt coming up for air just to mumble some words that should of been frightening but weren’t.  “You’re mine, all mine.”

Without a single thought Jesse nodded eagerly, his eyes wide and full of tears that just somehow managed to appear after he heard that last fatal statement.  And with that gesture of encouragement Walt continued except this time Jesse was startled to feel two wet fingers begin to probe him.  Then there was penetration again causing Jesse to let out a painful groan from anxiety and residual soreness all at once.  This was their next time, the next time Jesse had absentmindedly promised. Or at least he took it that way.  Lifting his back up off the bed he tightly held onto Walt’s head moving up at down, the groans growing more and more guttural, coming from the pit of the older man’s stomach. Jesse was making shrill noises, the same ones he had been making before when everything had been going so right but this time was different.  Walt had found that spot and he just wasn’t letting it go.

_Give it to me. Give it to me._

Those words repeating over and over in Walt’s head, Jesse’s whimpers escalating with barely enough time in between every other noise. And with one final movement it was all over, Jesse fell back, his hands clutching until his knuckles turned white.  Not one sound escaped his mouth, just an intake of breath and a rolling of the eyes before he shut them closed.  He closed his legs around Walt’s head, taking him down with him as he fell to his side.  Swallowing what Jesse gave him, Walt rubbed his hand up and down the smooth skin along the curve of his bottom. 

“Oh Jesse,” he whispered out loud, feeling some relief from saying since his name constantly revolved around his thoughts. “Jesse.” He rubbed his head against his stomach and grew fixated on kissing his hipbone while his partner continued to ride out the final waves of his orgasm, muscles spasming involuntarily. 

The expiration date kept on being pushed back further and further but it was all winding down, eventually he’d get caught or eventually he’d die. By then he decided that he wouldn’t care either way, he’d put up a worthy fight for the sake of his pride but without his family he was nothing.  Jesse was something temporary.  He held him in his arms fully aware of how fleeting this would be.  The sweat on his face would eventually be washed off., all the oil and grime would be rinsed off and he’d be clean again and it’d be like none of this had ever happened.  Jesse finally caught his breath, his hands less like claws around Walt’s head, his grip more soft. 

Unexpectedly Walt faced him when he finally let go. Kissing along his jaw and behind his earlobe, Walt rocked against him rougher than he had earlier.  He didn’t give Jesse much time to recover. Inhaling deeply, Jesse questionably grunted before Walt devoured him completely leaving him in such a listless state. 

“A-again,” he managed to word groggily.

“Yes Jesse, yes again,” Walt stated.

Everything felt like a rush, a storm he had no control over, his limbs turning to mush, Walt’s hands traveling his landscape like a skilled navigator.  It was frightening, overwhelming but even the pain was starting to meld with the pleasure, he couldn’t tell between the two, all he knew was that he was in capable strong hands, hands  that would do him no wrong.  They’d give and they’d take and all the little grievances were just a promise of nicer things that would follow soon thereafter. 

“M-mine,” he heard Walt growl, “That’s it’...you’re all mine--n-noone else’s”

Jesse kissed him hard, his hands holding either side of his head comforting a fallen, broken man.  Just who was fucking him right now? Something had changed in the few hours they spent together.  A ferocious desperation in his every touch and squeeze, a marathon runner trying to escape the future he chose for himself.

“A-all mine,” gasped Walt as he thrust, his eyes shut and drooping in ecstasy.  Jesse pulled him in but their mouths couldn’t meet so instead they exchanged gasps, lightheaded with each breath.  There was no condom this time, just spit and flesh rubbing against flesh, the friction was mind numbing, tears were forming at the corners of Jesse’s eyes. So real. He wanted real. This was it. Nothing and no one could save him now. The moment came at the most unexpected time, Walt throwing his head back and collapsing, a few weak pushes later, he was overwhelmed with shame and he buried his head in Jesse’s neck in defeat.. 

He didn’t last long, he just couldn’t last.  What a sorry excuse for a man, he could just hear it echo in his head.  There was a devil, its tail coiled around his neck and it told him things, it wasn’t that he was imagining them but it was everything he ever heard, every joke Hank made, every time his son brushed him off, every time Skyler looked dissatisfied with their love making sessions, it all added up to this, this monster.  Just one look from a vulnerable quivering Jesse, and Walt was overcome by this sinking feeling he couldn’t describe but it felt like he was dying, dying slower, cancer or not. It was all things he had done, the inescapable fate he was running from.  Why didn’t Jesse see him as the corpse he was? Instead there was a mass abundance of affection in his doe eyes.

Walt finished him off with his slick hand around his penis, watching him endearingly, almost hopelessly. It wasn’t long before Jesse’s blue eyes twinkled reaching another orgasm, his long pale neck exposed and as if he were his prey Walt went in for the kill, worshiping it with sloppy wet kisses.

 “I can’t I can’t,” Jesse wheezed trying to pull himself away from Walt before he’d try something else. “Mr White, what was that,” he covered his face in embarrassment, a tinge of hurt in his voice.

“I—ah was paying you back, Jesse.”

“Shit at least give me some warning before you do that--”

“So you hated it,” now Walt was the one sounded wounded.  Jesse just nodded side to side and stretched his long lanky body, his arms like tree limbs.

“No, I just…uhh..” he looked away, he could say the truth, he could say he felt like he had to go along with it, that he was too tired to have another go, that he felt like a piece of meat when Heisenberg was in the room.  “I liked it, yeah.”

“Ah good,” Walt sat up, firmly pressing his palm against Jesse’s sides instructing him to rest on his back again to be more comfortable “I don’t know how to do this sort of thing but we can either do one thing or the other...You can eat a meal for once or I’ll let you sleep here and I’ll go rest in the living room. “

“What was that you said earlier...about—“

“About what Jesse,” Walt’s gruff voice returned to normal.  He was shutting himself off and it was clear to see. How could Jesse casually say that he wanted to cuddle some more but even he himself wasn’t sure if that’s what he really wanted in the first place. 

_That I was all yours._

There was no breath to be found in Jesse’s lungs to say those words and to ask what they had meant. In fact he felt like he had signed some contract just by hazily agreeing. He wasn’t so sure what that said about himself either. 

“N-nothing,” he dropped his head and awkwardly fumbled with his hands as he pulled on his boxers that he must have fallen asleep on top of.  Walt watched the exposed skin with one final look of longing, it was plain to see and even Jesse caught notice. “I think I can stomach an omelet or something.”

“Right. I can do that,” getting off the bed Walt disappeared into the bathroom and turned on the shower.  Struggling to walk down the hall to the kitchen, Jesse was unsure how long the older man would take but that thought didn’t last long when he realized the great deal of pain he was in from all of his affections.   As he made his way to the kitchen he swore he could see Jane there sitting on the stool, picking at the stupid meal he had attempted to cook for her back at his apartment.  He wasn’t an idiot, he knew they were awful, he just wanted her to say it for once.

Every single thing he saw triggered a memory, it wasn’t that long they were together but the details were as fresh as ever.  It was something that’d he’d argue for, something that felt ancient and so easy.  But he found himself falling into the same habit again, this helplessness, trying to prove himself to be a better person. The fact was that he wasn’t. For a second he wiped his eyes and contemplated joining Walt in whatever he was doing because Jane was still there whenever he was alone. 

_I love you of course I love you, baby. Its never going away I promise Jesse. I promise on everything, cross my heart._

A feather light kiss on his lips. He swore felt it or was it just a breeze from the air conditioner?

“Jesse,” Walt emerged from the hallway damp and wearing a robe. He seemed rather content, more so than he had been for a long time but his eyes still looked at him dense with melancholy and worry.  “Something on your mind? Something you need to discuss?”

“No. I think I’m just really hungry I guess. Sometimes I just forget how hungry I am.”

Giving him a small smile, Walt began to dig through his cabinets for a mixing bowl and a whisk.  “Anything you want in it? Anything in mind?”

“I’m not like, picky,” Jesse sat on the stool where he had imagined Jane.  “God. My ass hurts.”

Walt raised his eyebrows apologetically.  “I got carried away didn’t I?” He tried to hide in the refrigerator for a moment longer than he should have, the eggs were right within his grasp but he faked searching for them just to wait for Jesse’s reaction.  Jesse remained silent.  “I’m going to just put whatever I have laying around here. You need protein lots of protein.”

Feeling rather satisfied with himself Walt watched Jesse eat the omelet.  Finally the kid was eating. This wasn’t ending on a sour note like he had predicted, all those heavy feelings had dissipated the second he left the bedroom, all rational thought had returned to him. He could think clearly and he reached the conclusion that everything was for a reason, it had to happen otherwise Jesse wouldn’t be here right in front of him picking at his food unenthusiastically. 

“So you’re not going back to bed,” Jesse mumbled, his mouth half full.

“No, I don’t know. Usually when I wake up, I can’t go back to bed.”

“I kind of want to take a drive you know—things look a lot better at night and I think I need the air.”

Walt nodded and made his way over to Jesse to pat his shoulder reassuringly, his spatula still in hand.  Jesse looked up at him warmly and brought his gaze back down to avoid any more questions about whether or not he was alright.  Lucky for him Walt was in denial in the first place, in fact he was beaming at the idea that his company had made Jesse feel better and maybe returned him back to the Jesse he once knew.

That wasn’t the case.

“You got any beers?”

“No, finished them up.”

“Wanna get some while we’re out?”


	4. Through the Glass Pane

Driving around in the dark Jesse looked over at Walt clutching the six pack in his arms, three bottles remaining. Walt had his head against the window, a look of melancholy and longing as the street lights reflected off of his glasses.  He took a swig and rested his arm against the door, then turned over to Jesse who looked a bit miffed that none of those drinks were for him. 

“Now don’t be so upset,” grunted Walt, knocking back another drink, finishing it and dropping it to his feet. 

“I’m not. I get it.”

“Look, I can hear it in your tone of voice. I hope you know everything I do is in your best interest.”

“So you get to be destructive but I don’t?”

“Give me a break,” spat out Walt, sinking further into his seat.  “I-I care,” the last bit struggled to come out of his mouth.

Surprisingly Jesse was more nonchalant about it, “Yeah I know.”

There was a pause as Walt popped open another bottle, Jesse’s eyes were fixed on the road, his window open halfway letting in the cool air. 

“Mr. White?”

The noise of liquid being swallowed echoed in the small car before the older man would wipe his mouth with his jacket sleeve and grunt.

Briefly Jesse looked at his slouched frame, Walt’s neck already craning backwards, the alcohol finally changing his behavior. Jesse grit his teeth and rested his hand against his forehead, as he turned to another street.  “You were so--,” happy wasn’t the right word, “why you drinking so much?”

“Hmm,” Walt’s voice dragged, he groaned and then sighed from having to explain himself.  “The afterglow of sex only lasts for so long Jesse.”

“You liked it then,” Jesse’s voice cracked as he dropped his head down, parking at a convenience store at the corner of a stoplight. 

“Of course, I did,” laughed the older man, sitting up and beaming, his hands resting on his knees. He rubbed his palms and looked at Jesse meaningfully, it took him aback.  Jesse grew flustered and messed with his hair, pulled out a cigarette and lit it as he stared outside at the clear night.  Any moment now the sun would make it’s reappearance, but Jesse didn’t want it to happen just yet.

The radio was playing softly, the bass humming from some old rock song from Walt’s favorite classic rock station.  Jesse scoffed and turned it off, Walt cocked an eyebrow, the bottle up against his mouth.  There was that massive generation gap, they were practically from two different worlds. 

“Look—I don’t hate the music, it just gets on my nerves,” Jesse snapped defensively maybe hoping for some reaction. 

“I don’t care for your music either. Lots of anger in it, impatience, no real consistency, some songs lack structure entirely.”

“Well…your old timey music just goes too slow and it’s really—“

“Sappy?”

“Yeah.”

“A lot of love, a lot of romantic… _nonsense_ ,” grumbled Walt.  “It’s still enjoyable, but the things I listened to as a kid didn’t prepare me for the onslaught of rejection and unsaid words…and disappointment. Those sorts of things.”

“Yeah?”

“Lost potential.”

“You’ve done good for yourself,” Jesse narrowed his eyes. 

Walt snorted but chose to not continue down that path.

“Really though Mr. White. I never could…you know—go to school and shit. Didn’t have the discipline or the attention span you know. I probably have that ADHD thing they talk about on TV.”

“Could you even imagine how you’d turn out now when you were younger?”

“I didn’t think much about it. I just figured I’d make it big somehow, a band, an artist.. _something_.” 

Not grieving over a dead girlfriend, craving drugs like it were chocolate.

“You should know how much of a failure I am, those big ass red words you’d write on my papers in school,” continued Jesse, his eyes slowly moving towards Walt who remained silent. “Didn’t help my parents gave up on me real early.”

When Walt felt it was ready to return the stare there was that look he had been hoping to avoid, that _you’d never give up on me right?_ look.

“I didn’t care much for your parents honestly,” Walt said matter-of-factly, “They seemed distracted, despondent, accepting of the road you were going down. They were more concerned what I thought of them than what I thought of you.”

It felt comforting for someone to say how he felt out loud despite it sounding ten times more eloquent and not riddled with swear words.  Jesse shrugged and was confounded with the problem of figuring out just where to rest his free hand, anywhere except between his knees like a polite school boy would be preferable.

“Jane cared,” Jesse softly whimpered.

Walt shut his mouth immediately, why did he have to bring her up, why now?

“We had a plan,” he leaned his head backwards onto the seat, then took a long drag of his cigarette.

There were some choice words that lingered in Walt’s mouth, there was a danger that the alcohol hindered his ability to hold them back. 

 _She didn’t care enough to keep you away from the meth, and then she went on to introduce you to something stronger, more addictive. A death certificate was at the end of that tunnel._  

Walt accepted that Jesse would never see the logic in it, in her death, that maybe she shouldn’t have wound up in his bed in the first place.  Something else began to take over Walt, almost an anger that surged through his bones and made him sit up straight again, sober suddenly. 

“Going to New Zealand or Australia, I can’t remember. It’s stupid because half of the memories I have of her are so fuzzy like they didn’t even happen, like when I’d stay up late as a kid watching some old movie.  But we said we’d get off the drugs, be each other’s support and really… she was all I’d ever really need. I didn’t care about any of that other stuff.”

“And now?” Walt asked, not exactly wanting to partake in this conversation, his lids half closed, the sun beginning to rise at the horizon. 

“I ah—don’t know…w-what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve got left,” he choked on his words, tears forming in his eyes.

The appropriate reaction for the older man was to comfort him, to feel sorry and to an extent he did, but all he could feel was anger and jealousy. It was hopeless to say a thing, there was no way he could erase her existence.  She was beautiful, he’d give her that much but at the end of the line she wasn’t anything more than a silly excuse for a human being.  Walt shut his eyes at the hateful thought, he was evil, no, the thought was evil but it was for a very legitimate reason.  He hated her. He hated what she did to Jesse. It didn’t feel right but it **was** right.

But there was one thing at particular that gnawed at him from the furthest corner of his mind. Would he be that missed if he had happened to die? Would Jesse bother crying the way he did now? Walt finished his beer and threw it out the window, shaking from the resounding crash of glass breaking.  It reverberated through his head painfully, he cringed. 

“The fuck was that,” Jesse cursed and turned on the car, then looked behind him to see if anyone had come out.  They pulled out of the parking lot only to eventually pass by a familiar street. 

Was this where Jesse was heading all along? Walt’s eyes widened when he hazily recognized his surroundings. 

“Your old place? Jesse…why?” Walt peeked his head out the window feeling a surge of emotion overwhelm him.  He didn’t even want to begin to wonder how Jesse felt.  The younger man’s face was obscured by shadows, heavy breaths coming from his side of the car.

“Closure? Is that the right word for it?” it seemed Jesse was lost somewhere, asking himself rather than Walt.

“Yeah, Jesse,” his eyes followed along the sidewalk and up the steps, right where the door was shut on his face before he could finish his thoughts.  The possibility of Jesse being gone forever had filled Walt with utter dread, be it he get lost in another a country or being found dead in an alley somewhere.  The idea of his body not being identified by anyone, hell—not even being searched for, was still fresh in his mind.  For some reason Walt had this desperation to be his anchor, it was debatable whether he was being selfless or selfish but that didn’t matter.  It was hard though to express it, let alone address it within his own thoughts. They were fleeting notions that he couldn’t hold onto in fear of himself sinking further, making himself vulnerable in the process, and he couldn’t have that now.  That endangered things, affection always clouded rational thought and he needed to be as calculated as possible, for their own good.

“I just—ah, I keep thinking how it was all my fault. They tell me it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t anyone’s but—but I can’t stop—“

“It’s pointless fretting on it, it already happened, that’s it. Nothing else to do other than accepting it,” said Walt. He could remember the light that had dimmed in her eyes when they shot open, like dead game. Tears forming when he realized that this wasn’t some dream, some imagined fantasy, this was reality and this young girl dimmed out like fate had wanted to, he was just there to witness it. His arms were frozen, his eyes locked on her corpse.  It was so easy, too easy.  The problem was solved, it was as simple as that.  No doubt he knew what Jesse would have to wake up to, it was a punishment, one Walt would have to live with, one that was necessary to scare him straight.

“And you know what sucks,” Jesse placed his hand over his mouth as his lower lip quivered.  “She was still so beautiful, choked on her puke, probably shat herself when she died but there she was….like a mannequin in some fancy store—you know. Frozen in time or something.”

There were no more words left for Walt to say anymore.  The images flashing in his head like a silent film on an old popping movie reel. Walking through the hall that must have been so familiar to the both of them, a voyeur reaching in and manipulating the world he thought was rightfully his, belonged to him.  Nothing annoyed him more than a closed door but it was just an obstacle, he was barging in. 

Later that day when he was holding Jesse’s face in his hands when he found him in that hellhole junkie shack, he wanted to be his savior.  People doing unspeakable things, writhing in their own agony, drowning it with chemicals, he wouldn’t let Jesse be one of them. At that moment, when his hands moved and clutched at him, Walt couldn’t think straight, couldn’t process anything.

_I loved her. I loved her more than anything._

It just had to be done. Walt’s eyes grew glazed as he heard Jesse crying behind him. 

Elephants in the wild, roaming, massive beasts, almost monstrous.  But Walt could never see himself there with them, he was comfortably sitting on his couch, the warm television protecting him from danger.  He was half watching it, a warm feeling in his chest as he heard Skyler softly singing to Holly.  That urge to save his skin, to go back on his stance ate away at his reserve, he should have been happy, he should have accepted this, cherished the moment but no matter what everything was just static noise, a voice at the end of the tunnel. 

Now that was all gone.

“I’m—I’m sorry I even brought you here.”

Was Jesse apologizing?

Turning slowly Walt just gave him a grumble of reassurance, to quiet him down, to sooth him.  “Now…now it’s ok.”

“You’re just acting so nice,” Jesse wiped a tear, and tried to catch his breath, his wide blue eyes were red and puffy.  “And I took advantage of you.”

“Nonesense. What are you even going on about?”

“Wanting to fuck, clinging to you like I’m a fucking kid.”

“Stop.”

“Are we even going to talk about it or are we just gonna brush it under the rug, man.”

Walt was visibly uncomfortable, reaching out for the closest thing within his reach and that safely was at the bottom of another opened beer.  Did this subject absolutely have to be brought up?

“I’m ok with whatever direction you choose to go in,” Walt finally spoke, dropping his shoulders, feeling the cold air chill his very bones. 

_You’re not going to fight for me?_

Disappointment overcame Jesse like a tidal wave.

Thankfully Walt was too much of a coward to look him dead in the eye after that, he couldn’t see the hurt, the abandoned child that still resided in his face. 

Jesse tried to imagine what would have happened if Walt had been more assertive, had maybe voiced out his feelings, but the idea seemed impossible even to imagine.  Would they go on dates? Would they keep it a secret? Would they hold hands underneath the table so no one could see? Walt didn’t seem like the sort, he didn’t seem like the sort to do anything remotely romantic, none of those gestures, none of the little things Jesse needed.

Then suddenly there was Walt just centimeters away from him, his nostrils blowing warm air on his lips.  His green eyes looked down at his pink mouth, agape enough to be considered a beacon for contact.  Before Jesse could protest they kissed. 

Walt was taken back to the empty house just moments after Jesse was driven away by Mike to the rehab, there was a sadness to it, the air was thick with the horrible events that had just occurred.  He rummaged through Jesse’s clothes looking for what was still clean, a suitcase open on a table.  He carefully folded his shirts, choosing things that were more colorful and fit Jesse’s frame more than the usual tents he’d wear.  Jesse would get better, no doubt the days would improve from there on out.  On the floor was the jack o’ lantern shirt, one that was familiar to him. It was away from all the other soiled clothes he must have not washed from before.  Walt eyed the ridiculous looking thing, the corners of his lips pulling at either side until they formed a smile. 

Earlier than day he had pretended he hadn’t seen…that he had no play in what had just occurred. The young girl dying.  He had held Holly close to him, convinced that sort of thing wouldn’t happen to her, not something of his own blood, Walt Jr. came out alright and so would his infant daughter. But Jane was someone’s daughter too. He was constantly being reminded of that, her cold dead eyes burned into his psyche. 

However Walt was getting better at rationalizing his choices every time he lost a bit of his soul with them, because sure Jane was a daughter, but every woman out there was someone’s daughter, what made her so important?

Feeling his heart begin to beat quickly he experienced a rush of relief, then he hesitated to pull the shirt close to him but he did it anyways.  He brought it close to his nose and inhaled, a sense of victory overcoming his senses.

 _His_ Jesse was alright, _his_ Jesse was going to get help.  

Slowly Jesse opened his eyes when he felt warm hands slide up his smooth jaw and hold his face, Walt was overlooking his features in awe.  Just being there in the present, the tingle of contact still lit Walt’s stony heart and filled him with an odd sense of hope. 

Jane had a funeral, Jesse had a future.

When he returned to his side of the car, he grabbed the final beer and handed it to Jesse.  “It’s about moderation,” he smiled warmly, his cheeks still flushed from the kiss.

Jesse looked at him dumbfounded and took it, wrapping his hands around the neck.  This exchange was the most genuine thing Walt had ever done, strangely enough.  Popping the lid open and taking a drink, Jesse shut his eyes, giving the place one final look. 

“So that kiss was?”

“It seemed appropriate didn’t it?”

“Yeah but—“

Distance was what they needed. Walt dropped his gaze shamefully, feeling cowardly yet again.

“It’s good to end things on a good note right?”

_End?_

Jesse’s eyes widened with disappointment and like that his choice was ripped away from him before he had a chance to say anything about it, like it had been time and time again. As a trained pet would, he accepted it, things were better this way. Let Mr. White do the thinking for him, it made things easier.

And with that he turned the car on and left, the ghost of Jane still at his heels. 

Still very much alive, the memories burning a hole straight through him, a reminder that he was alone.


End file.
